Well, I glided through my first day of school. It's strange that the entire time I was missing my old teachers and being isolated from my friends, I wasn't anxious or nervous about anything else. With everything that's gone down in the last couple of days, I'm surprised I'm not crying or breaking out in hives or anything. Really, I just feel numb.
Today I quickly discovered that I had one class with each of my two best friends. In Advanced Graphics, I sit no where near my best friend. In English 10 Honors, I sit in front of my other best friend, and have to compete for her attention with another girl who has not taken a liking to me. I'm not honestly sure how I'm going to make it through without anyone to talk to, but I'm coping. I guess.
I guess becoming a sophmore has given me some crazy new mindset. Lately a lot has changed in my social life. Friends lost and gained. It reminds me of something horrible that happened to me in 2012, the year that I did hang on to something dead and wanted it to be revived. Back then I couldn't differentiate between who I thought the person was and who they truly were. Now I can, and the only thing I miss, just barely, is who I thought they were. In this ordeal I began sorting through things to keep and get rid of associated with that part of my life. It's much different than how it was in 2012, when I kept things associated with them in a corner of my room. I've learnedThe person from 2012, who was a girl at the time, went away to some sort of mental health place and now identifies their sex as female and their gender as boy. Instead of blonde hair, they have purple hair. And instead of the makeup, they wear snakebites and septum piercings. I caught his eye today, just for a second, long enough to feel a pang of pain from when I felt I truly had a best friend. I'll probably never have a best friend like that again. It hurts, still. Being told by someone who had more issues than I did that they were hanging out with me out of pity impacted me a lot. By my best friend, no less. Part of me wants to be friends with him again, or maybe who he was, I'll never know for certain. I'm not really sure how when just seeing their face fills me with hurt and a dash of envy. It's a weird feeling. I've learned to live with it though. I've learned to live with a lot of things.
Something positive I've noticed about my life however is how every time someone leaves, someone better walks in like clockwork, or a revolving door. This time, it's an older guy. I know him through a friend, but we've been texting for I guess somewhat of a while. I haven't met him yet, but he's eager to meet me and wants to do so this weekend. He's already told me he likes me, and I replied that I'd know when I meet him. I have a good feeling about this guy, or at least a glimmer of hope. We have a lot in common, and I think he really digs me. I want things to go well. Will they? I don't know. Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend because her anxiety was one of the things keeping her from getting the fullest out of the relationship. Though I've only really had one boyfriend, I'm thinking maybe anxiety was also one of the reasons I broke up with him, aside from just not liking him. I really hope this guy truly likes me... and that I like him, too.
Lately, my room has been getting a make over. I moved my bird cage to the space between my closet where my birds get sunlight from a window opposite them and to their right. I've also managed to supply them with more nesting material, so I think there's a good chance that there will be more finches to sell soon! My mom washed the wall behind where the cage used to be, and got me cube organizer that has nine square compartments, and four canvas baskets. I have one basket for craft supplies, one for electronics, one for little toys, and one that I have yet to fill. As for the five cubes, I have one for jars, one for my stories, one for blank notebooks, and so far that's it. One of these days I have another display shelf I'm going to hang above it. It's like the cube organizer, but smaller and rectangular with rectangle compartments. In that, I have some skulls, a box of shells, etc. Man, I cannot WAIT to get that thing mounted!
In an interview, my favorite singer Natalia refers to an artist-architect that she was interested in. "And he believed that all human beings have three skins. The first is your actual physical appearance. The second is your clothing, the attire you chose to wear, and the third is how you decorate your home and your habitat. It's just a direct translation of your soul." I think that while I'm changing so much of my soul lately, that I should make other positive changes in my life as well. For me, that means ending the bad parts of my life so I can focus on the better. So far, I have reason to look forward to hope and promise. I'm going to make this a good year for me.
xx Shadow Byrd